Thankful...

To be thankful is to be blessed.

I am thankful, yet it still pains me to feel sooo alone.
Sigh~  It's hard to put it in words, but for my sanity and well-being, I will try to pour out my heart here.

It's a simple story of girl who is so lonely, she goes on the wide world web and meets a boy.  Boy is friendly and soon starts talking everyday.  Everyday leads to every couple of times a day.  Just talking on the phone isn't enough.  Email, chat, facebook, voice messages, skype and talking late into the night are all the ways they communicated.  However, there's the fact that this boy lives 1400 miles away from girl.  All the way in Texas.  So, each night, though for a short time on the phone, that distance was 0, every time they said "Good night" and "Amen" after prayers, when they got off the phone, that distance stayed the same.

The boy gave up a lot of sleep to talk with girl.  Two more hours and then some.  Boy was a knight in shining armor.  Boy's words were a place the girl could settle into, safe and sound.  Boy even proposes with a diamond ring.  Boy and girl are dreaming of a future together~ planning their wedding and getting ahead of themselves.  There is joy in being together.

Until, that is, when God revealed to girl, boy isn't the best.  He is good, but he isn't the best.  Doesn't the girl want what is best?  Yes, but to do that, she must let go of what she has now.  There's no guarantee that the best is another man.  Maybe it is to be alone.  Girl won't find out until she's on the other side.  Until then, she must try to work out her anguish, anxiety and loneliness in any way she can.

Girl misses boy, but dares not contact him.  She cares for him in her own way.  She also knows how needy she is.  So needy that she is almost willing to give up on the best to have what is good and what is in front of her now.  That's dangerous.  That's settling.  That negates all the hard things she had to do to obey God.  That would be saying to God, "I know what's best, better than You."  That's just not true.

So, though girl is fading away and in pain for lack of companionship~ girl is determined to do what is right.
Hard.  But life isn't really easy, is it?  Everything is hard.  Living is hard.  Staying alive is hard.  But what is even harder than living is, dying.  It is very hard to die.  Especially for a scaredy cat.  Girl thanks God for that.  Girl looks up to see the beautiful clouds and the twinkling stars.  Girl sees hope, yet it is a constant battle to keep eyes looking upward.

So, though girl is missing boy, girl cannot go back to boy.  Girl wants to do what is right.